Guilt

Superwoman complex

Articles cite the reasons for women’s guilt as: “not fulfilling their roles and expectations to put others first”

In my own life, this is not what I found… You see, I am not a timid woman. I have no problem asking for what I need… on an emotional level. I always prided myself that I would speak up no matter what – but it becomes a problem when action does not follow. Through learning to set boundaries I respond proactively to my needs before I get resentful or upset. This has helped me A LOT. I also don’t spend as much time explaining the REASON for my needs or wants. A lot of times, because we don’t have a good enough reason to say ‘No’, we say yes. Women are quick to give where there is a need.

More than guilt, what I have found is that:

When I have to ASK for what I want/need in materials I feel that I am actually causing my partner pain – emotional and possibly even physical. My goal is to become a woman and learn energy mastery on ALL levels.

Studies claim that women feel guilty over more immediate “smaller” issues in their lives because they feel in control of those areas and we feel guilty nearly 6 times more often than men because we take personal responsibility
But I think this issue of responsibility and “locus of  control” can be explored further.

It has been noted that it’s healthy for us to feel guilt sometimes. Guilt can show us where we have done wrong and can correct our behavior. Guilt indicates us where we are taking responsibility. When we have done wrong it’s appropriate to make an amend and “right a wrong.” But sometimes we take responsibility for how others feel when we have done nothing wrong.

This seems to be the missing piece of this discussion, it’s not just that women feel guilty when we fall short of our roles and expectations – but really because we feel RESPONSIBLE and that we, at the very least, have influence over how other people feel.

I felt guilty when I went to a Christmas festival with a date and his siblings and the festival was boring and crowded. Ineedlessly took responsibility for how they felt and experienced the event – I felt myself shrink as somehow their experience of the event meant something about me.

How to Cope:

1. Identify Guilt (Affirm feelings)

2. Ask what I can do (learn from it)

3. Watch “I should have’ language. Watch conditioned responses/goals

Sometimes I feel that nothing I do can make up for it.

Schedule ‘Me Time’ – literally put it on your calendar is non-negotiable time. Susan Carrell give “Escape Tactics for Moms”

 

Here are more resources if you find yourself in a similar predicament.

 

http://www.genconnect.com/relationships/moms-need-to-take-care-of-themselves-without-guilt/

http://more-than-a-mum.com/04/why-women-feel-guilty-all-the-time-or-at-least-once-a-day/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201201/6-reasons-you-should-spend-more-time-alone

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201202/why-you-shouldnt-feel-guilty-about-stealing-little-time-yourself

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1342075/The-guilty-time-generation-How-96-women-feel-ashamed-day.html

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Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women

Just before going to a 10-day Vipassana silent retreat I took the PAX seminar “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women”…

The flavor of the course seemed like a sophisticated etiquette course… and the workshop leader seemed like an uptight sorority girl, lecturing us as we are little kids on her boundaries for an hour before the course began!b There is a huge difference between setting boundaries to control people vs.  Despite these initial impressions I came to the workshop to learn how to be more empowered in my interactions with men. I wanted to stop self-abandoning and stop giving up my power with men through feeling guilty even though I did nothing wrong or feeling responsible for their experience.

Upsides

It’s really valuable to give up this idea of men as “dysfunctional women” and just enjoy them for their own merits. To know how to ask for our needs to be met in a way that men understand, to respect, and honor men and to realize it doesn’t help them, us, or our relationships to make them feel inadequate because they have another way of listening and understanding.

Downsides

1. Stone age view of men’s emotions with ideas that “the way men are” is they don’t:

– Trust their emotions as a source of information

– They believe their identities are their values, not their emotions

3. “Posts” or values protect men’s hearts and we attack their “posts” they feel attacked. Examples used in the class of men’s “posts” – football, video games,  and beer… WOW

4. Validates men, while invalidating women; women come to the course feeling disempowered around men and that makes it difficult to jump into appreciating men.

5. Many important topics/ questions not addressed.

– Values conflict with how men “are” – what if my values like open communication, sharing emotions, and connection conflict with this idea of how men “are” (which I don’t buy)

6. Men develop Crohn’s disease and other psycho-somatic diseases from repressed emotions. How can we just accept them as not communicating their emotions when potentially they could get sick from this!

There was not enough emphasis placed on Women’s Empowerment and it made it difficult for some of us to move wholeheartedly into the oath to give up “castrating men forever”

What I learned

I can’t believe the PAX course is the  MOST progressive course we have for women to understand men. I think it undermines men, our men are capable of much much more. I recently started listening to podcasts by Robert Ohotto, the guy is great and really highlights the problem, especially this podcast

Sex

“Sex, like all things, is righteous to the extent that heaven meets earth there…

Sex is not, in its essence, about the body at all. It is an opportunity for us to remove our emotional armor with someone who wants us to remove it and who wants to remove his or her own. Problems occur when we have sex with people who have no desire whatsoever for us to be so naked in their presence, who have nosense of the sacred responsibility it is to hold another person’s heart in their hands….

There’s a state of being that is raw and authentic and fiercely graceful, like a great ballerina dancing in her prime. Sex in that place is more than just sex. With every couple who make it past the sad disconnection of sex that’s just sex to the fire at our center, the world is brought closer to the end of its pain. How excruciating to have touched that place, and then to land unsuspectingly back in the world as we knew it; the cold, non-intimate, un-soft world of people who cannot find each other. That’s why we never should have sex casually. If you’re not with a person who’s an artist at love, the art of love is a dangerous game….
So be careful but be brave…”

~Marianne Williamson, “Illuminata