Offering support

One of my favorite things to do is surprise people with willingness to help and support. To offer help in an area where I know the person needs support and has a hard time asking for it. What stops me at times are 2 things

1. Being afraid that they will then EXPECT that of me all the time and I will be over-committed.I can give more when I release myself from the pressure of that expectation and give myself the right to say ‘No’ at anytime after that. I wonder if this holds other people back from giving sometimes too?

2. When I offer that level of support I also have to let go that helping people freely when they need it doesn’t guarantee they will be there when YOU need it. So I do as much as I can until I feel a resistance within myself. I often reflect how many people have their cause they want support on but how we also want support on our stuff. It’s truly an art that I am still mastering.

When was the last time you surprised someone with your willingness? Without asking to be paid for ‘coaching’ or your ‘webinar series’? Today – see if you can put your concerns of not being reciprocated and let go of the fear that you will become over-committed aside for 5 minutes. Take 5 minutes to give even just 1 honest opinion/feedback – admit that thing that you haven’t wanted to admit, say that thing that is rolling around in the back of your mind or heart.

To illustrate: I was recently approached online from someone I don’t know to go on a date. After a little chit chat I could feel that he was so lonely. Instead of being turned-off or pushing him away with some retort I just wrote “Why are you so lonely?”┬áHe was surprised but delighted because indeed this was true. Playfully he writes “Who asks people that the first time they talk?” I said, “The question is: who has time to waste?… that should be the norm – not pretending we don’t sense things.” From that place we could have a more meaningful conversation

Of course there is always the risk of being inaccurate in what we sense – but that’s the risk of authenticity – the unwillingness to live life on the surface any longer.

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Give

Do you try to give to people that don’t give back to you and then ignore the people that do want to share with you? yea… me too! It’s called codependency and it’s ok! just sayin… I notice I do this and I’m like “WHY!?” – but… I have gotten much much better since I’ve started “Going (giving) where it flows” -if you find yourself stuck… hear me saying: “Give where it flows baby” – people that want to regenerate/reciprocate and flow WITH you. The thing is…. when we make someone’s ability to reciprocate or receive from us mean something about us (I’m unlovable, I’m not good enough.. blah blah) that’s when we get hooked! And then we try to change them – but really we don’t want to change them, we just don’t want it to mean what we think it means about us… ­čÖé So:

1. QTIP – Quit Taking It Personally , the person’s ability means nothing about you

2. Just feel your own feeling – remember just because someone abandons you doesn’t mean you have to abandon yourself. Someone may not be able to be as present with you as you would like, the moment you notice yourself feeling bad about it, just give yourself a big hug and affirm you are still there with YOU and then it’s easier to let go and accept what the other person is willing/able to receive.

3. Notice when you get attached to the outcome or feel resentful or angry – this means your cup is runnin’ low honey! Go fill up – laugh, dance, play banjo- whatever you need to do to fill your cup… (but not with addictions) -sometimes, it’s just … letting go of trying.. and- “Give where it flows”

4. Remember, it’s a GIFT when you ALLOW someone to GIVE to you
Then … RECEIVE… work in progress. Have a fantastic day =)

Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women

Just before going to a 10-day Vipassana silent retreat I took the PAX seminar “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women”…

The flavor of the course seemed like a sophisticated etiquette course… and the workshop leader seemed like an uptight sorority girl, lecturing us as we are little kids on her boundaries for an hour before the course began!b There is a huge difference between setting boundaries to control people vs. ┬áDespite these initial impressions I came to the workshop to learn how to be more empowered in my interactions with men. I wanted to stop self-abandoning and stop giving up my power with men through feeling guilty even though I did nothing wrong or feeling responsible for their experience.

Upsides

It’s really valuable to give up this idea of men as “dysfunctional women” and just enjoy them for their own merits. To know how to ask for our needs to be met in a way that men understand, to respect, and honor men and to realize it doesn’t help them, us, or our relationships to make them feel inadequate because they have another way of listening and understanding.

Downsides

1. Stone age view of men’s emotions with ideas that “the way men are” is they don’t:

– Trust their emotions as a source of information

– They believe their identities are their values, not their emotions

3. “Posts” or values protect men’s hearts and we attack their “posts” they feel attacked. Examples used in the class of men’s “posts” – football, video games,┬á and beer… WOW

4. Validates men, while invalidating women; women come to the course feeling disempowered around men and that makes it difficult to jump into appreciating men.

5. Many important topics/ questions not addressed.

– Values conflict with how men “are” – what if my values like open communication, sharing emotions, and connection conflict with this idea of how men “are” (which I don’t buy)

6. Men develop Crohn’s disease and other psycho-somatic diseases from repressed emotions. How can we just accept them as not communicating their emotions when potentially they could get sick from this!

There was not enough emphasis placed on Women’s Empowerment and it made it difficult for some of us to move wholeheartedly into the oath to give up “castrating men forever”

What I learned

I can’t believe the PAX course is the┬á MOST progressive course we have for women to understand men. I think it undermines men, our men are capable of much much more. I recently started listening to podcasts by Robert Ohotto, the guy is great and really highlights the problem, especially this podcast

Sex

“Sex, like all things, is righteous to the extent that heaven meets earth there…

Sex is not, in its essence, about the body at all. It is an opportunity for us to remove our emotional armor with someone who wants us to remove it and who wants to remove his or her own. Problems occur when we have sex with people who have no desire whatsoever for us to be so naked in their presence, who have nosense of the sacred responsibility it is to hold another person’s heart in their hands….

There’s a state of being that is raw and authentic and fiercely graceful, like a great ballerina dancing in her prime. Sex in that place is more than just sex. With every couple who make it past the sad disconnection of sex that’s just sex to the fire at our center, the world is brought closer to the end of its pain. How excruciating to have touched that place, and then to land unsuspectingly back in the world as we knew it; the cold, non-intimate, un-soft world of people who cannot find each other. That’s why we never should have sex casually. If you’re not with a person who’s an artist at love, the art of love is a dangerous game….
So be careful but be brave…”

~Marianne Williamson, “Illuminata