Every decision is a choice between love or control. I’ve strived not to make choices out of fear but I’ve made more than I care to admit. Lately I notice I’ve been living with a sense of urgency . For some reason, I have equated living with urgency as being driven by fear – but are they the same thing? As spiritual people aren’t we supposed to strive to make decisions out of love and passion instead of avoiding loss or pain?
It seems I’ve been spurred by living with urgency because my 20’s are setting quickly. It has become obvious in the context of a new love interest how ambitious and goal oriented I’ve become. I’m not satisfied to just lay in bed and stare in eachother’s eyes – not for long anyway. My LIFE is on the line! I could DIE any moment! But this is also the conundrum – by living in urgency am I pushing past these sweet moments – moments of falling in love, of falling into relationship? Or am I being fueled and driven. It’s a strange sensation to feel so pulled by something GOOD! And, it’s all because of a sense of loss. Afraid of losing myself. My life, my goals, my looks, making money for myself and my family. Not truly doing and living life how I want. How can I rest here? How can I rest and let my spirit die in this place? It’s dangerous – like falling asleep in quicksand. Sinking and sinking – I can’t let go. And I no longer think he is my life line. No man is my life line. I am my life line. Unless he is helping me and taking my hand and running then he is in quicksand too.
I’m more afraid to lose myself and never live a meaningful life than to lose him. The potential of what a mate/any mate can offer me I now see as limited. What I thought a mate could once provide I’ve given up on. I no longer believe in the rescue fantasy. I’m satisfied with a mate/husband providing the material and hopefully some emotional support and stay out of my way. I no longer need a man to define me – I want people to know me and like me for me.